In Search of Inner Peace

It all began one day with one phone call... "there is a trip to tuscany do you want to go?" ... that morning i was at my worst low depressive mood.. in a flash i said 'yes maybe', and then in a span of few seconds said 'oh yes why not?'. That also inspired my friend who said come what may i will come with you, irrespective of whoever else joins in or not.
Ofcourse before this one should know that i had never been on a planned holiday.. mostly if did plan it never materialized. Nor had i taken annual leave ever to go beyond Bangalore my home town, cant equate that to a holiday destination.
Mind you all this i was doing to find inner peace, and some sorta light at the end of the tunnel, a blinding flash of everything going right and showing me the way.
So there i was in the middle of my holiday sitting one day with a glass of bubbly and looking pensive and watching the sunset and listening to some age ol music in a villa in Lucca... and wondering when all of this would happen. In the midst of a teary discussion i mentioned this to my dear friend, who very sweetly questioned me on how i am sure its to happen now "hmm so its timed for your holiday is it?".

Thats when it hit me, what the hell am i doing? why cant i just enjoy the time and space i have got after ages instead of sitting and analysing or waiting for something to happen. (not that i gave up on that instantly)

Being in Italy we would visit loads of chruches, being a catholic this is a big thing. So there i was a sinner cause Sundays is a must visit church day, and i havent been near a church for a long long time.
I knew that God would say what made you wander here today! But hell i think i made up..(not really). Though i went to the Vatican - Basillica - Mecca for Catholics !

So i had this one on one with God, and told him that i am tired of all this waiting for the right path, all i ask of you is to give me the strength to face whatever comes my way. and i would like it if you show me the way :)

I know he has been kind to me all these years and will be kind to me. He will teach me the lessons i need to learn and also show me not to hurt anyone as i know it will come back to me ten folds. Lesson i have learnt it to just try my level best to ensure i do as much good as i can, and lie as less as i can....

the search for inner peace never ends, cause it all depends on you alone.

So there by ends myItalian Holiday ... need a another holiday for inner peace ;)

The Time you KNOW!

As i sit in front of my comp i think about the days that have passed after my last blog entry...
I was talking about anomaly, n i ended it by saying there shall be more that i would write about. But today thats the last thing i want to think or write about.
I recently met someone after a span of two years, who instantly said... "it seems like you have lived a life in the span of 2 years". That statement stayed with me.. i just couldnt get over it. It forced me to try and remember every aspect of the 2 years ... and yes i truely had lived a life within the life i live.

The 2 years.....i did.....

• Things that i thought i would never do, i did.
• Things that i thought i will never subject myself to, i did.
• People that i would not normaly tolerate, i did.
• I would never be diplomatic i said, but i was.
• I would never regret any aspect of my life i thought, but i did.
• Things i love most and thought i would never give up, i did.
• Just be myself always no matter what, i wasnt.

the list seems endless....
I had built certain rules in my head, i seemed to have broken them all. Never say Never is a line that everybody says often. I say it too, as i now know.

For the life i have led i know i have put in a lot of hard work to reach where i am, am i supposed to slog till i die? Isnt there something called some slack time, or some respite? well seems not... as constantly there are these people around you who will keep telling you how lucky you are that things are so easy for you.
Would you sit down and explain to each one, your life, your circumstances, your background? No you wouldnt but you would to your close near and dear ones. You want them to understand and be with you. Support you. Heal you when your hurt. Not put you down. Not hit you when your down and out.

Thats the time you know!

You know who those near and dear ones are, these situations clearly set the rest of world apart from those special ones.
I am proud and happy to say i have those special people in my life !
The ones who remain close to me and will be there for me if i do right or wrong. They will reprimand me for the wrong i do, but will stand by me at the same time and help me get through or out of it.

In my life, i always have thought and know that whatever that goes around comes around... hence i would knowingly not hurt anyone, i try my best in my professional life to be as fair and just.
In my personal life, i will be there for all my friends....

Today i know who my special dear ones are!

Anomaly !

"An anomaly is any occurrence or object that is
strange, unusual, or unique. It can also mean a discrepancy or deviation from an
established rule or trend."

This is a word that was used by a dear friend of mine very recently to describe our relationship.... Though i knew broadly what it meant, today i got the exact dictionary meaning of the word.
As i read it, i know that Anomaly has been part of my existence. Every turning point in my life has been an anomaly... occurrences or people (object).

I think people who know me well would easily say that am hyper, organised, fairly fun.... (good points)...
am also one who believes one cant have regrets in life, i dont regret easily.... cause this rule of mine has kinda got me where i am today.
I have taken every oppurtunity good or bad in the right stride, never let it get to me in the long run... yes momentarily i have felt low, dissappointed, depressed.. am human!
All the good moments i treasure, all the bad ones i learn from... sometimes one experience does not teach me, but life has its way of making me learn soon thru another experience....

Coming back to the Anomaly's in my life... very difficult to summarise them, as that would mean editting it.
i remember my childhood... i used to be a real handful. Thought i was a boy. one day i got to know that my mother had, had a miscarriage (a boy) before me. By now we were 3 daughters, and i sensed my parents still wanted that boy... in hindsight i think thats when subconsiously decided that i will be the boy of the family.
My mannerisms, my friends, my dressing sense... i became the tom boy!
i fought with the boys, i was a gang leader, i was the messenger for all my beautiful girlfriends... and also the messenger for my boy friends .....
In all this i never looked at myself as a girl, i never gave any importance to my looks or my clothes... pants and t shirts were a must.

Then came college, i was forcibly put in a girls college... my father short of standing outside the college gate every hour has ensured that i was dropped and picked, so no mischief happened.
Finally at some point the woes of family caught up with him and he had to let go...so i got partial freedom. I would ride my cycle to college... thats when i noticed that i was being noticed.
A Boy actually was interested in me... wow! now that was new, i didnt know how to react. I became friends with him and treated him just the way i would the rest of my gang of boys... but no this was different... he didnt want that. He wanted to be with me alone, talk to me alone, hold hands (thats the max i guess in those days one would do)...
i began to like the attention i was getting and thats when i think i became a girl... well i guess you could call this part of evolving.. but for me it was nothing short of an anomaly...

the anomalies shall continue.....